'Wiccan' Is Not a Religion.

I recently stumbled upon someone who told me their religious views were 'Wiccan'. Now, as you all know, my position on religion is contemptous at the best of times, but even more so towards fake religions such as the afore-mentioned new-age pseudo-witchery, and scientology.

Wicca, in case you're interested (and really I don't care if you are) is this stupid bloody neo-pagan movement that a vast number of people have aligned themselves with, for the most part in order to enjoy being different and ramble on about their celtic roots when some poor twat has the misfortune to succumb to their curiosity and ask, "Oooh, what's that?"

Wicca is a quasi-religion that suckers feel will connect them with the ancient druidic rites of pagan England (though frankly, why would you want to do that? There's a reason no one practises this horse-shit these days, people). However the 'religion' itself was in fact popularised - that is to say, invented - by a British civil servant in 1954, named Gerald Gardner. He claimed to be a surviving member of an ancient religious organisation, but the veracity of these claims has never been even slightly verified, and he was more than likely trying to capitalise on the recently repealed British Witchcraft Act, which prohibited practise of such religions, so that he could sell a fuckton of new-age self-help books, and more to the point, have his own fucking religion. Who doesn't want that? A bunch of people doing what you tell them because you claim it's part of some ancient rite.

But this is all besides the point. My real point is that many of these overly-impressionable cock-faces don't even realise, as they wave their hands in the air shouting "so mote it be" and wearing eight diferent coloured penta-fucking-grams that they bought from Hot Topic at the weekend and showing off their latest hazel-twig-sculpture-monstrosity of some fucking stupid symbol of fertility, that their religion is only fifty fucking years old and invented by a postman. You are not Sabrina, nor do you live in 'Charmed'. In fact you are sucking down your third cup of green tea and insisting that people like me simply don't understand. Christ, If you're going to be part of a made-up religion, why not make it something cool? Like a religion that worships the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or Burritos, or something? We could dress up like tacos and kill heathens before smearing their corpses with a three-cheese sauce and tossing them in a pile in the street. Oh man, that would rule so hard.

These are the same people who honestly believe that their horoscope is indicative of their day's course of events. The day I find you basing important decisions off of what 'Heat' magazine has to say about every pathetic, gullible person unfortunate enough to be born within a month's proximity of your birthday is the day I tell you to get the hell out of my office, and pay a hobo to strangle you on the way home for good measure.

You're not a witch, you're not exacting a communication with the spirit of our lost Celtic civilisation, and you're not special. Have fun being mediocre, dickfish. Suck my cock, go to hell, and save me a chair because I imagine I'll be their soon enough.