Honey = No Burns.

No shit. I discovered this today, so I must be a fucking genius. See, I was just minding my own business, making a bit of cous-cous, when I burned my left index finger horribly on the pan. It went all red and white in places and started to blister.

Being the macho mother fucker I am, I was at first loathe to put that bitch under cold water. Damned if I was going to acknowledge some silly-ass scald.

Eventually, however, I caved and stuck the magenta digit under the cold tap. Unfortunately, to cool water did little to soothe my searing flesh. After mincing around for a bit, I went to the fridge, for what, I don't know. As I was perusing it's contents though, I fondled absent-mindedly a jar of honey, enjoy the feeling of cold glass against my scorched finger.
I was staring at the jar for some time before I figured 'what the hell?' And so I began to slather the deliciously sweet, viscous fluid all over my finger, and get this:

No more burny.

Seriously, the pain went away and after a couple of minutes, when I was faced with the dilemma of how to go to the toilet, I washed the shit off and the burn had completely died down. It's just a bit shiny now.

Hospitals should appeal to me for other alternative medicines. Imagine what else this discovery could reveal; maybe cancer can be cured with beet-root juice. Bad case of AIDS? Just rub a little mint jelly on your face.

I am a genius.